Questions and Answers
by Eve Hogan
How Confident are You?
Love Tip of the Week: There is a difference between confident and egotistical. True self-esteem does not allow one to be confident about doing things that hurt others, where ego does. Be sure to build confidence with true self-esteem as the foundation rather than the false sense of self-esteem that comes with ego.
Aloha Eve,
I've been single for two years and I can't seem to find a lady. The women
all say I'm good looking and a good man, but I can't get a date. I meet
people, give them my phone number, but they never call. Or when I call them, they shine me on. Maybe I should go back to being a jerk again, Then, they will be breaking down my door, like the guys with no home, no job, no life—they seem to be getting all the women. HELP! What am I to do?
HELPLESSLY HOPING
Hi,
With out more information, it is impossible to tell you what is going wrong. I can tell you that it is rarely effective as a man to give a woman your phone number and ask her to call. It is far better to get her number and call her. Even though times have changed a lot, most women would still prefer a man to make the initial call. This is both because of the old male/female dating roles and also because she doesn’t want to seem like she is the aggressor. So, from here on out, plan on being the one to make the call rather than putting your power in someone else’s hands and waiting.
I also encourage you to self-observe. See if you can identify why someone wouldn't want to date you. When you say, "Maybe I should go back to being a jerk again...." I have to wonder what you mean by that exactly. What kind of jerk were you, what did you do to get over it and are you sure you have been successful? I ask because I detect just a bit of an attitude in your letter which I am sure is merely spurred on by your frustration, however, bad attitudes can definitely derail a date. No one wants to date someone who is feeling helpless or hopeless. These are not attractive qualities. Nor is angry and resentful. So while you are practicing self-observation to see how you are showing up, pay special attention to the energy you are sending out based on your attitude. People can feel it when you are expecting a rejection, even if you don't say it. People feel it if you are afraid of being turned down. People feel it if you are silently judging them or feeling like you don't add up.
Women aren't attracted to "jerks" or "bad boys" because they are jerks or bad boys; women are attracted to them because they are, generally, confident. Even if they are absolutely doing the wrong thing, they do it with great conviction. They often exude a type of strength that is attractive. However, I would like to point out to all the "good guys" who think that the "good guys never win" that while the bad boy may "get the girl" initially, he rarely gets to keep her. Rather than resorting to being a jerk, try being more assertive about what you want (not aggressive, not obnoxious, simply assertive). Instead of giving a woman your number and suggesting she call you, ask her out and set the date right then and there. Once she agrees, then ask for a phone number so the two of you can confirm, if need be. That is more assertive than giving her you number and it also cuts out the middle step of having to call in order to ask her out.
In addition to knowing why someone wouldn’t want to date you, be sure to focus and identify why women would want to date you. When you ask someone out, hold that list in your mind to help bolster your confidence,
I wish you the best.
With Aloha
Eve
© Eve Hogan is a relationship advisor, inspirational speaker and author of “Intellectual Foreplay: Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be,” “Virtual Foreplay: Making Your Online Relationship a Real-Life Success,” “Way of the Winding Path: A Map for the Labyrinth of Life,” and coauthor of “Rings of Truth.” Her next book, “How to Love Your Marriage: Making Your Closest Relationship Work” will be released in Feb. 2006.
www.EveHogan.com
Eve@AskEveAdvice.com |
